Waiting. Still waiting.

A couple of weeks ago I recieved a message from my doctor. A message telling me that my heart, propably, will need to be repaired. One of the Cardiac valves does not close properly.  Now I’ve been waiting and waiting for the next step. To hear something, anything from the hospital but It’s been all silence. It’s not the silence worrying my, It’s whats happening inside me that worries me. Anxiety. Thoughts. Questions. Should I call? Wait? How bad is it? What I notice, already, is a small change of mind. More of Carpe Diem! Catch the Day. That’s good
🙂 I think. So. Maybe all is for good. A chance for change. /Sten-Ove

Yeah! Yes! Great!

Why these superlatives you may wonder.Bild

For many years I have been working as teacher in music with guitar as my specialty. Over the years I have developed new skills, added new fresh competencies in creative areas in theatre, music and drama. It´s a great job. Meeting young people, helping them to find their expression in the arts, is rewarding and sometimes I can miss it. But I have done that. Been there – done that.
So I changed.  Six years ago I finished my teaching career to be one of two leaders for the artsschool where I have been working as teacher. For me, a big step and a big important  one. Since then I haven´t touched my guitar. I have tried but stopped as I don´t find the pleasure. 
After that I have been looking for new challenges within the arts, beeing creative is important for me, but what shall I do?
As I finished music I got a whole lottof time to do something else and this opening inside me has welcomed WRITING. THE WORDS. LE MOTS. Slowly, this new interrest, begins to occupy me. Occupy my time and space. 
So. When I get this wonderful message – “You are accepted” – from the nearby university I understand that this comming year will be a year of writing for me. I have been accepted to attend a one year course in creative writing on university level. Good for me! 
I need the change and when I open up myself to change, addresses my compass to change, my whole beeing goes in that direction and it works. It works so well. All I need to do is to open up, adress the direction, be open to what comes, accept what comes, follow the stream, avoid swimming against the stream, go with and I will come to a wonderful place. I am sure of this.
The reason for the beginning superlatives: I am happy for where I´m going. I look forward to the future. I don´t know what´s in there but I´m sure it´s something nice there.
There is more than I can imagine. What I imagine is just a small portion of the whole. 
If you wish to follow me in this please do. I will tell you more as I keep swimming. Bild

 

— about midlife crisis —

Some years ago I radically changed my road into the future. I changed direction on the walking path of life. A small transition for some but for me it was a big one, huge – initiated by a disaster. The change demanded a lot of time and energy from me to carry through. It demanded a lot of time with myself. With my thoughts. With my memories. I allowed my subconsious to bubble up from beneeth and speak to me. (Sometimes I compare my subconsious thoughts with the bubbles in a Lava lamp slowly rising up to the surface) And it spoke! During my Caminowalks in the heat of spain revelations came to me like bright stars in the night sky. I am glad that I took the opportunity the cisis gave me and used it as a power to grow.

I have let go of some things I’ve done for more than 30 years. It has not been easy. First I hinder myself and – second – people around me stop me through their expectations on me. Third – things I have in my house reminds me of the past and hold me back. Things have that power (on me). This is one of the reasons that I must clean in my clutter. The things reminds me (memories and calls on me presently) causing doubt and remorse an slowing down the process of change. I am well aware that the process of change and learning goes through different change,levels. All the same I am restless and must carry on.

What I see now is that I have opened up rooms inside me that I didn’t know of. Rooms beeing blocked with heavy lockers and millwheels. Opening up for new things, leaving old habits and old interrests gave me the possibility to stretch out and grab for new ones. Time to explore. Time to seek. Time to read. Time to meditate. Time to reflect. Now I see new possible things that I didn’t see before – because I am more open to them. The old patterns obscured my sight – now I have a wider spectrum and a wider field of view.

Result so far: Less fears. More me. More brave. More focused. Clearer in my contour. More secure to stand for myself. More visible. More expressive. Expansive. Curious. Many positive traits that have contributed to make my life more interresting and positive to the forthcomming changes in life. Changes that I see comming and look forward to. I am much more aware.

Life pulses in cycles. My cycles run over eleven years with smaller inclines every five to seven years. Looking back over the shoulder on the years passed I see very clear that these cycles and peaks of change are regular and if I translate them to future I can see what’s comming.  For good and for bad. For good because I will be prepared. For bad it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If that is good or bad will without hesitation show overtime. And I feel prepared for every progress.