— about midlife crisis —

Some years ago I radically changed my road into the future. I changed direction on the walking path of life. A small transition for some but for me it was a big one, huge – initiated by a disaster. The change demanded a lot of time and energy from me to carry through. It demanded a lot of time with myself. With my thoughts. With my memories. I allowed my subconsious to bubble up from beneeth and speak to me. (Sometimes I compare my subconsious thoughts with the bubbles in a Lava lamp slowly rising up to the surface) And it spoke! During my Caminowalks in the heat of spain revelations came to me like bright stars in the night sky. I am glad that I took the opportunity the cisis gave me and used it as a power to grow.

I have let go of some things I’ve done for more than 30 years. It has not been easy. First I hinder myself and – second – people around me stop me through their expectations on me. Third – things I have in my house reminds me of the past and hold me back. Things have that power (on me). This is one of the reasons that I must clean in my clutter. The things reminds me (memories and calls on me presently) causing doubt and remorse an slowing down the process of change. I am well aware that the process of change and learning goes through different change,levels. All the same I am restless and must carry on.

What I see now is that I have opened up rooms inside me that I didn’t know of. Rooms beeing blocked with heavy lockers and millwheels. Opening up for new things, leaving old habits and old interrests gave me the possibility to stretch out and grab for new ones. Time to explore. Time to seek. Time to read. Time to meditate. Time to reflect. Now I see new possible things that I didn’t see before – because I am more open to them. The old patterns obscured my sight – now I have a wider spectrum and a wider field of view.

Result so far: Less fears. More me. More brave. More focused. Clearer in my contour. More secure to stand for myself. More visible. More expressive. Expansive. Curious. Many positive traits that have contributed to make my life more interresting and positive to the forthcomming changes in life. Changes that I see comming and look forward to. I am much more aware.

Life pulses in cycles. My cycles run over eleven years with smaller inclines every five to seven years. Looking back over the shoulder on the years passed I see very clear that these cycles and peaks of change are regular and if I translate them to future I can see what’s comming.  For good and for bad. For good because I will be prepared. For bad it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If that is good or bad will without hesitation show overtime. And I feel prepared for every progress.

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